November 27

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Raising Rebels with Dayna Martin – Radical Parenting Podcast S2 E14 – May 2023

Host: Welcome to another episode of the Radical Parenting Podcast! I’m joined today by Dayna Martin, author of Raising Rebels: Parenting Advice from the Girl Your Parents Warned You About. Thank you for joining us, Dayna—I really enjoyed your book.

Dayna: Thanks so much for having me!

Host: You published it a couple of years ago, right?

Dayna: Yes, in 2020.

Host: And you’re also the founder of the Facebook group Radical Unschooling. I’ve been a member for about a year now.

Dayna: That’s right. I started the group back in 2011.

Host: Awesome. Before we dive into the specifics of your book, I wanted to ask—did this philosophy come naturally to you, or did you have inspirations that led you to raise your children in such a unique, non-mainstream way?

Dayna: I wasn’t raised this way, no. When I gave birth to my first child in 1999, it was a transformative experience. I gave birth naturally, which I hadn’t even realized I was capable of, and that changed my life.

When I started parenting, I received a lot of conventional advice—don’t hold your baby too much, let them cry it out, feed them on a schedule—all of which went against my instincts. I chose to trust my child and follow what he was telling me instead. It wasn’t easy; I faced rejection from family and friends for going against the grain. But I stayed true to my instincts, and this philosophy evolved naturally from there.

Host: Were there any authors or parenting coaches you found particularly inspiring as you developed this approach?

Dayna: Definitely. Alfie Kohn and Peter Gray are two of my favorites. Peter has even spoken at events I’ve organized, which was amazing. I’ve drawn inspiration from many places, but those two were instrumental.

Host: Let’s jump into the book. The first chapter, Mess, really struck me. You talk about rethinking our relationship with the inevitable messiness of raising kids. Can you share more about that?

Dayna: Sure. I was raised in a very clean, museum-like home. My mother was a perfectionist about cleanliness. But when I had my own children—four of them under nine, three of whom were in diapers—I realized that my home needed to serve a different purpose.

Rather than being a museum of our things, I wanted it to be a workshop of our interests. That shift in perspective allowed me to relax a bit about cleanliness and find a balance between my needs and my children’s needs to explore, learn, and grow.

Host: I love that idea of a “workshop of interests.” How old are your kids now?

Dayna: My youngest, Orion, is 15. Ivy is 18, Tiffany is 21, and my oldest, Devin, is about to turn 24.

Host: Wow! It’s fascinating to hear how they’ve turned out. But before we get into that, let’s talk about the unconventional methods you used to raise them. Your overall philosophy really takes the ethos of unschooling to a whole new level. Can you summarize your approach for us?

Dayna: Traditional parenting is rooted in what I call the authoritarian paradigm, where the parents’ needs—quiet, obedience, control—take precedence. It’s all about behavior modification, often through punishments and rewards.

My philosophy is based on a partnership paradigm, where everyone’s needs matter equally. I don’t focus on controlling behavior but on addressing the needs underlying it. This approach fosters a cooperative and trusting relationship, making everything flow more easily.

It’s also about freedom—letting go of control and fear. My children have always had autonomy in areas like food, technology, bedtimes, and learning. It’s not a permissive, hands-off approach; it’s about being deeply involved and present, offering information and guidance while respecting their choices.

Host: That’s a beautiful way to frame it. One area you address in the book is food. Let’s talk about your approach to meals, eating habits, and avoiding the pitfalls of the “clean your plate” mentality.

Dayna: Growing up, I was part of the “clean your plate club,” and it disconnected me from my own hunger and fullness cues. I wanted something different for my kids.

We’ve always approached food with trust and flexibility. I’d prepare meals with options that everyone enjoyed, and if someone didn’t finish something, that was okay. I also encouraged them to listen to their bodies and stop eating when they were full.

When you remove control and introduce information about nutrition, kids naturally find balance. My kids would even choose healthy options, like checking labels for high-fructose corn syrup after learning about it.

Host: You also write about bedtime in a way that challenges traditional routines. Can you share your perspective?

Dayna: Bedtime has never been a struggle for us because we never imposed strict schedules. My younger kids often went to bed when I did, and we co-slept in a way that was comfortable for everyone—sometimes with two queen beds pushed together!

We also had a natural rhythm to our days. Bedtime was always associated with positive, cozy moments, like reading or cuddling. Because there was no power struggle, my kids developed their own healthy sleep patterns.

Host: That lack of power struggle seems central to your philosophy. Let’s talk about self-worth, which you address beautifully in the book. How do you nurture that in your children?

Dayna: Traditional parenting often erodes self-worth by teaching children to seek validation through obedience and pleasing others. I wanted my kids to grow up feeling whole and confident.

One key is assuming positive intent—always seeing the good in your children. Another is allowing them the freedom to express themselves, whether through their clothing, interests, or ideas. This helps them develop a strong sense of self without relying on external approval.

Host: You’ve raised four incredible individuals. Can you tell us a bit about what they’re doing now?

Dayna: Devin, 24, manages a store, works as a blacksmith, and is deeply involved in his church. Tiffany, 21, is a model and helps me run my skincare business. Ivy, 18, runs a guinea pig rescue and is a musician. Orion, 15, is into game coding and recently started playing piano, which he’s picked up incredibly fast—thanks to skills he developed through gaming, interestingly enough!

Host: That’s amazing. Your book, Raising Rebels, offers so much wisdom for parents looking to challenge traditional norms. Where can listeners find it?

Dayna: You can find Raising Rebels on Amazon, or visit my website, DaynaMartin.com, for more resources and information.

Host: Thank you so much, Dayna. This conversation has been enlightening and inspiring.

Dayna: Thank you for having me!

Host: And thank you to our listeners. You’ve been tuned in to the Radical Parenting Podcast. Until next time, trust your kids and embrace connection over control.


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2023


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